Hitchcock in Real Life

Lacey, I just wanted to let you know that you are crazy, and for some reason I'm oddly excited that your going to cosmetology school. I also love that you have to watch a movie on AIDS before you can give someone a professional facial.

About a couple months ago, a bird started pecking on the door to our porch. Every morning around seven he would come back and start knocking again. Now, this door is made of plexiglass, so just imagine a small hammer tapping on your window every single morning and that’s about how freaking annoying this bird is. This had been driving me and my mother crazy for a couple of weeks when we decided to actually do something about it. So we opened the door.

Normally when someone knocks incessantly on your door for hours at a time over the course of two weeks, it means they want to come in. Apparently this bird doesn’t know how to communicate properly because after the door was finally, graciously opened for him, he just sat there. He sat there looking at us and then flew away. He could’ve at least given us some explanation for his actions but no, he just took off.

So we thought that that might be the end of the terribly rude little bird but we were sadly mistaken. He was back within a couple of days, and this time with a friend. Now he would tap relentlessly while his wife sat by watching. If I was her, I’d recognize him for the creep he is and leave. I mean, he’s obviously unemployed, and spends most of his time heckling good, innocent people without reason. Shouldn’t he be busy providing for his family? What about the little chicks at home? This guy obviously doesn’t have his priorities straight if his favorite pastime is running headfirst into glass barricades.

So why am I bringing this up now, after months of harassment? Well that is because my mother informed me that as of a few days ago there is now a THIRD bird. I fear that the house will soon be infiltrated and just in case, Bri, you might want to start looking for my backup. I know, I know, I’ve only been here two weeks. And don’t worry it seems that these birds are very slowly building their numbers, so this is likely to be a long drawn out process. But you should still be prepared.

I’m now waiting for the day when the head bird suddenly gives the go-ahead and the forty friends he so carefully gathered strike, piercing through the plexiglass and invading our home. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, maybe all they want is to live in peace and harmony with us. But if they did, would he have flown away when we opened the door? I think not. This bird was giving us our fair warning, at a time when it was too early for us to tell what lay ahead.

But don’t worry; we won’t go down without a fight. After all, they are mere birds, and we are humans, those who were born to rule the earth. This will not be the last you here from me.

-Viv