trying new things

so this post today is going to be a bit bipolar there is a part that i wrote earlier this week and a part that i am going to be writing today and im sorry if the no capitalization and punctuation weirds anyone out i guess i just feel like that today

it is also a bit long so i apologize in advance

first
sometimes i wonder if my emotions are common or if i am completely alone right now i am eighteen and that is just a fact but i never really feel eighteen and sometimes i feel much younger whenever someone hurts me i feel like i am five years old its really only the people close to me that have the power to make me feel bad i try to be open with them and i suppose vulnerable in some ways and just full of trust you know and then something happens all of the sudden the only i feel is sick and sometimes mad because anger has always been the more acceptable emotion when you compare it to something like sadness because if im sad and hurt then that makes me weak what ive always wanted most was just to be tough enough that way i wouldnt have to feel like this

and then
today i was pleasantly surprised ive always felt that there isnt a group at school that i belong to i mean sure i have friends but there isnt a particular place that i really belong after school i felt a little bit out of my element i was around people that i really do not know that well and they were really amiable and helpful it made me get that warm and fuzzy feeling considering how terrible today could have been it really turned out to be not that bad

we all got yearbooks today i do not know why i freak out so much about writing in peoples yearbooks sometimes it feels as though im having an actual panic attack i suppose it is because i dont think i am that memorable and i actually have evidence there is this one kid at school who i have introduced myself to five times at least and i know that the next time i see him he will tell me his name which i happen to remember and then ask for mine which he will probably never remember i just want people to look back and know who i am and i know what i write could be the difference there

this year it came to my attention that i need a filter sometimes the things that i think just do not need to be said aloud but i also think that i need to learn how to control my facial expressions apparently sometimes they are condescending or something i dont know perhaps they give away what i am thinking like when someone is tellling you a story and you are thinking oh my goodness will this story ever end that is probably something i should work on i guess

now that ap exams are over i am getting to do all of the things that i put off during the school year i have about a zillion movies that i bought that i get to watch now and a good number of books as well it is awesome to get to be so lazy

also i bought a purse so i can be more feminine two actually which just shows how indecisive i am but one of them was stripedy so i couldnt help myself

there are only four more days of school left for me and this is the first time in forever that it just seems weird that the summer is here

well i guess im gonna be scootin i have places to be and important things to do well not really but i certainly do have movies to watch so peace out holmes

-lacey