Decode

Hello World! Blue powerblogger here! So this week, I already had my entire blog written out about pastafarians and the right to peacefully assemble, but I feel like that issue is unimportant compared to what I am really feeling. 

How did we get here?

I used to know you so well

This is part of the chorus to the new Paramore song, "Decode", which is on the Twilight soundtrack. This line really speaks to me in so many ways, evoking a wave of emotions inside me that are close to boiling over. It feels like I've become distant from a lot of people this year, some for the better, some for the worst. There are people who I hung out with just last year that now, if I see them in the hall between classes, don't even acknowledge my prescence. It hurts when the people who you thought were your friends completely ignore you. I'm screaming out, at the top of my lungs, "What have I done wrong?". Thats the worst, when you don't even know a reason for them to be angry. 

There are other people I have separated myself from for the sake of my sanity. The people who can do nothing but criticize. The people who look down on me for my religious views, my moral values, my way of life. The people who hurt me by insulting others and setting bad examples. I'm better off without them.

I know I've changed, but I've done nothing to betray you. I may hang out with some different people, but they aren't any more important than you. So don't ostracize me, don't ignore me, when I know not what I've done wrong. And don't pretend its all my fault. I have this equation, which I'm sure I've written about before, and it goes a little something like this:

me=90% other=10%

I feel like I constantly put 90% into relationships, and the other person only gives 10. Where's the balance in that? If you're not gonna contribute, then is it really worth my time? Why must I do all the work in order to make things right? Maybe if you're only gonna give ten percent, then I just shouldn't care about the situation. Its too much wasted effort on my behalf to save us, so maybe we're better off apart.

And there's still one person in particular that, whenever I think about what we once were, I almost cry. Its because I don't know why things changed. I don't know if I messed up, or if its something you did. And its not even a boyfriend/girlfriend-type relationship! Thats about as bad as it gets.

Sorry about writing such a depressing post. Its ironic, because in reality, my life is going amazingly well at the moment. This was just an "in the moment" kind of thing, an explosion provoked by something as simple as a lyric. But the song really is awesome, give it a listen.

-Caroline